Friday, 20 February 2009

Hmph. I'm bored and at work. I work for a student lettings company and right now its not the busiest of times for student lettings.
So I'm sat in a show flat, having been left to my own devices since 10am this morning.

Met my other halfs parents properly for the first time last night. I've met them before in passing, but this was FOOD AND EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!! I was so nervous!
I guess partly because they're mormons, and everyone always makes such a big deal about Tom being an ex mormon - and I've never really met any mormons before, they don't usually pop up on my radar that often - so I didn't know quite what to expect.

I knew not to swear or start shouting "Oh my God" at every given opportunity but thats really just common sense, I wouldn't do that to anyone the first time I met them, never mind parental shaped things (this does exclude corp, of course. normal rules do not apply there!)

Anyway, they were, well, normal people. I don't know why I was so nervous. I got the mick royally taken for being a Sheffield United fan (damn Owls fans) but I managed not to bugger up too much, which is pretty impressive for me as I have this unbelieveable talent for living with my foot firmly shoved into my gob.

I had a really good night, Sora, Tom's daughter, was unbelieveably cute. It was like she ramped up the cuteness factor to saccharine levels to show off to Granny and Grandpa, including sitting on my lap and bouncing up and down, and holding onto my finger while having her bottle for bed time, neither of which she's done before.

I was also the responsible one last night, which was absolutely nerve wrecking! I'm still a little unsure of myself sometimes when it comes to Sora, cos I've come into her life now, and I guess I just want to do things right, but Tom was sleeping on the couch and so I was the one in the room next to her. You'll be pleased to know that I managed not to kill anyone, and actually did a pretty good job!

Apart from waking up at 5.30 this morning to Sora singing to me lol!

She's been a lot better this week that she's been with Tom full time, she's not as bothered when he leaves the room and she seems more happy and settled to be with us. She's not constantly clinging onto Tom and she seems to be spening more time having fin and interacting.

She's also sleeping better, which is a godsend!

Anyway, I'm boring myself now. No news on the Dad front. I'm gonna have to wait till I get paid on Friday to resume, as most record searching places make you pay through the nose. Damn them. Grr!!

Thursday, 19 February 2009

Day 2

Slightly better news today, spoke to the Sally Army again and they say that as he acknowledged me until I was 8, they can help me to look for him, so I'm a bit happier with them now. I'm just waiting for the application form to come through now.

Been looking at a website, which has details from the electoral roll and other government documents.

There's a fair few Dave Roberts' in there, and I need t6o pay £34 odd pounds to access the full details, but its a really comprehensive search engine that should provide me with at least a couple of viable candidates. Thanks to Ema for the details.

In other news I've enrolled in a L3 management course via ICS today. Its costing a bomb, but its worth it and gives me something else to do with my time and something else to work towards.

I'm not really sure what other avenues to try to be honest, I'm gonna have to have a think about what I need to do and what I can afford to do. I'm beginning to take a look at who I am, and work out why this is so important to me. I seem to keep switching between the 8 year old girl who just wants to know why daddy doesn't love her anymore and the 21 year old woman who's had to grow up living it and is more than a little pissed off about the entire situation.

At least whenever I find him, if I find him, I can thank him for my independent outlook and being able to take care of myself. Its not much of a plus point that it stems from his complete incapability to look after me, but I learned to cook, to bathe myself, and to look after myself generally while I stayed at his house. I remember that house in glorious technicolour! I do have good memories there, but the more I thought about it the more I realised all those good times were where I was left to my own devices, to play in the car he was using to build his trike, to collect berries and rhubarb from his garden (they weren't cultivated, he just had a REALLY overgrown garden!

So why is this so important to me?? I don't get it! I understand that I need to know why, but why do I need to know why? Why can't I just leave it like I have done for the last 13 years?I dunno, Maybe it will come to me someday.

Day 1 (X posted from somewhere else, this was yesterday)

So, its the first day really and I decided (in my *infinite* wisdom) to do what every normal person does and Google "Dave Roberts" with various suffixes to see what I could findDo you KNOW how many of them there is??? Damn him, why could he not have an unusual name like me? You google me and i come straight up with a concert I did for school many moons ago (that and a lot of Japanese stuff, apparently I'm also a form of karate).I spoke to my mum yesterday and she advised me that the Salvation Army do a tracing service, so I've had a look into that and found out that as my parents were not married at the time of my birth, they don't provide the service.

I quote

"Who is not included in the tracing programme?

We do not normally become involved in searches where adoption has taken place, nor with enquiries to trace a mother or father where there was no marriage between parents. We cannot look for children under 18 years of age, or other 'vulnerable' missing people where a physical search or police involvement would probably be more appropriate. We cannot carry out family history enquiries, or look for 'possible' relatives. For further information see our Dos and Don'ts page. "

"A birth parent on behalf of adopted or non-marital children

Whilst the Department has every sympathy with an adopted or illegitimate person seeking the whereabouts of his or her natural parent, there is no way of knowing that parent's present domestic circumstances, and the risk of disrupting a happy family unit is too great. In addition, the basic information required is often not available in such cases."

This makes me sad as I feel I have every right to chase my father. Whilst I understand that a person may have formed a new life, I think that every child has a right to know their parent, whoever that may be.

So I googled "find a missing relative" and all these websites came up offering 1000's of people on databases (makes you wonder what privaqcy rights we ACTUALLY have here) but to be honest, my dad isn't the type to be posting things on the internet anyway, so I guess thats a bit of a dead end. I suppose I could do the standard thing and hire some sort of detective, but I don't really have the money and I kind of want to do this myself in a strange sort of way.

Oh well, back to the drawing board.

A little background to this thing

Well, Ok, so I decided to do this for myself rather than anyone else, but its always good to have a little bit of back ground to these things.This is me:

I'm Kai, I'm 21 years old and I'm from Sheffield. There's nothing special about me, in fact I'm frighteningly average. I have no special talents (well, none i can post on Blogger anyway) and I dont think I'm ever going to be remembered for doing anything particularly great or spectacular. A couple of days ago I decided to look for this man:

This is my dad, Dave "Mad Dog" Roberts. I have little to no information about him apart from what I can remember and what my mum and I have sat and talked about. Let me give you a little bit of background information. One day, about 13 years ago (to be honest thats an estimate: a lot of that time I can't remember, I seem to have blocked it all out) my mum and step dad at the time went to drop me off at my dads. He wasn't there. No one knew where he had gone and no one could tell me anything. His wife, Eunice, dropped maybe a quarter of my stuff at my mum's. He'd gotten rid of the rest. I'm still bitter about losing my first ever cuddly wolf, Flo.

I put him out of my mind as I got older. To all intents and purposes, I had no father. But I've never called anyone else dad, it just doesn't feel right. I'm not saying this man is a nice person, in fact from what I know nothing could be further from the truth. But I guess thats the main point here, really. I wanna know the truth. I wanna look him in the face and ask him why. Why he'd leave me. And why he had to do all the things that he did until he left.

I guess i'm writing this because its gonna be hard, and its already made me start quesioning myself and looking at myself and my behavior over the years and how much is attributed to my upbringing (or lack of in some cases) and I'm gonna need to get it out. Also, I hope if I ever do find him (which is appearing to be quite a difficult task) I wanna be able to show him hwo much work I've put into this and why.

So yeah, T minus 0 days and counting. We have liftoff.